For the past two days I've been dealing with an ugly side of me. I have been angry, very, very angry and so I haven't been writing because I don't want to remember the sordid facts and the anger. Trying to reconcile the facts and the conflicting feelings will take me ages and I'll deal with them when I'm stronger. The anger makes me feel strong but it does damage. Damage to me and everyone around me...
So we met for lunch yesterday, it was awkward but it was good. He was honest about the contact he's had to date with The Other Woman in East London (or so I think). He was gracious, he took my sarcasm as a measure of my pain. He gave me permission to be angry and took it like a man... and I melted. I love him, I love him, I love him - I so wish it were different! He still is the most handsome man in my world, the most gentle and caring.
I paid for lunch. I couldn't get in more than half my wrap and then still had to run to the bathroom. I gave him what was left to take home for supper. He hadn't eaten since he moved out partly because he transferred all he had to cover our groceries for the month and partly because he's fasting (which I didn't know until he declined some groceries later).
He makes me feel so beautiful, so desirable the way he watches me and quietly smiles. I'm grateful that he has never broken me down emotionally, never told me that I am useless or ugly. Instead he has done just the opposite and I thank him for it. But now I need to breathe deeply and walk away, one step at a time...it's so much easier when I'm angry.
No comments:
Post a Comment