Yesterday I was teary, I was missing him. So I phoned and asked whether he didn't want to come fetch the bar fridge and table that he needed... and maybe stay for supper and spend some time with me. About an hour later I changed my mind. Started thinking that we're not going to get through this if we don't keep our distance. I had to just start thinking about all the details, the sordid facts to strengthen my resolve (three long term affairs over the past 4 years!). So I phoned to cancel the arrangement, just to change my mind again when I heard his deep, soft voice on the other end. And so he came over. We cooked supper together while sipping a shared glass of red wine and talked, just like old times. The boys bounced in and out, excited to be part of the conversation. It was good.
As we cleared up and turned off the kitchen lights he gently drew me into him, I gasped, I melted and I led him upstairs... and yes it was beautiful. I woke up a few times and just savoured the smell of his skin, the sound of his heart beat and the strength of his arms. I could breathe again, I was content, I belonged, he belonged and today I am in good place again.
He seems so intent on wanting to be healed, set free. He's doing all the right things, saying all the right stuff... He's cut all ties, taken full responsibility, not shifting the blame or looking for excuses and is going for counselling BUT I'm scared, because he's done this before - I can't face a similar situation again in a few years time when I'm 50! How do I know that he is serious this time? That he is telling the truth? How do I know that he is really going to deal with the root issues, change? Is 25 years not a long enough time to change, what's different this time?
But then how can two people that are still so connected on so many levels, that care so much, feel so much, just sever all ties and not try again? I don't want anyone else, I want him - a changed, whole, restored, spiritually mature him. Is it not couples that have outgrown one another, drifted apart, that live parallel lives that divorce? Couples that resent one another, are angry and bored with each other that end it all with a great sigh of relief?
Am I just under his spell? He knows how to play the "Charming Game" so well, he is a "Ladies Man" after all and he knows what he is about to lose.
Is it because we are in a covenant relationship that I am able to forgive and love so unconditionally? Or am I just being stupid and weak? Afraid of change, lacking faith?
How is this different from the physically abused wife that keeps returning, keeps hoping, until one day she is found dead on the kitchen floor? How?
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