The Way Forward

So I have listened to the counsel of concerned Christian friends, I have listed the pro's and cons, the variables, the possible outcomes. I have reacted angrily, I have responded defensively and I have thought logically until my head hurts. I have agreed that for various reasons now is the best time to end it all if ever there was a "best" time.

And my heart has been in turmoil.

If it's "right", why the turmoil? Why the chaos and the confusion? Why isn't the solution, the way forward plain and simple to see, to follow? Maybe because I'm leaning on my own understanding? Maybe because I'm scared to trust? My trust has been violated so many times that yes, it is hard to even trust the Lord for counsel, for an answer to settle it all. But I set time aside and I wait upon the Lord. I plead with The Lover of my Soul to entwine with me. Did you know that the word "wait" means to entwine? I ask Him to share His heart, His mind, His thoughts, His vision, His faith with me. And this is what He speaks to me:

You have been called to be his ezer kenegdo, it is your pupose. You are a lifesaver and a lifegiver and this is why you are under attack."Taking control" and pushing him away to protect yourself  is a natural response, an angry response, a hurting response, but not my response. You cannot think life, speak life, be life and he cannot receive life when your defenses are up. He needs to be in the presence of your lifegiving essence to heal, you need to protect now more than ever. Being in covenant relationship implies sharing resources, being strong when the other is weak, encouraging when the other is discouraged, being the healing balm when the other is hurting, sharing life when the other is facing death. Therefore you need to be humble, be merciful, be vulnerable and bring him home. And no, he doesn't deserve to be home, to be loved or to be forgiven. What he has done is not acceptable, it is not of "no consequence", something to be made off lightly. Bringing him home doesn't imply that, but I have dealt and am dealing with that. It's not yours to deal with. Bringing him home is GRACE in action. It is giving that which is not earned, being that which is not deserved, it is LIVING OUT Christ within you and it heals. It will heal him but more importantly heal you. Bring him home.

And so I do and it's good, hard but good.