Numb

It's Sunday and I'm numb. Numbed by memories. The pain has my mind, my body in shock - I don't feel anything and I'm tired. Tired of coping, keeping it all together because I must. The expectation created by "if I don't who will?"

I had to cope when the babies were tiny - three under two. I mothered alone, isolated and without support, because if I didn't who would? Back then when the one affair was exposed the church asked me to be discreet, keep it quiet as he was in leadership and so I bled silently. I remember one Saturday afternoon when my anger and hurt welled up so strong that I went outside and wailed to the heavens. I couldn't keep it in any longer and I wailed, I cried and shouted loudly enough for the neighbours to hear. I was angry at God and angry at him and angry at my circumstances... and I'm there again except this time I'm clinging to God.

I remember how he stretched me. Pushed me to go to cell camps, church camps where I was out of my comfort zone, where I battled to cope with the demands of three little ones needing me all the time, but if I didn't who would? It left me exhausted and isolated because crying babies did not encourage fellowship. And while I was nurturing little ones he was having sex with other women who were fun, not exhausted...

I remember that point of homeschool burnout when I just couldn't carry the burden of parenting and schooling alone anymore. When I felt so overwhelmed, so responsible, but if I didn't who would? And while I was pouring my life into raising three little boys he was having sex with other women who were free and adventurous...

I remember how I tried to build a home, a haven of safety, a place of beauty to nurture the soul, but I can't anymore. Yesterday I tried to hang up old photo's but everyone has a woman connected somewhere, somehow. And so I just put them away. I have no good memories. I want to put some flowers on the tables, the mantle pieces, some Christmas decorations but I'm paralyzed. Paralyzed in my own home. He brought her in here, into my sanctuary, let her share my kitchen, be restored by my creativity and everything I touch, everything I try to do reminds me of the fact. So the garden is overgrown, the house is a mess, I'm overwhelmed and tired of coping. Numb. And so if I don't, no one will and that is just how it is. I'm numb... not beautiful.